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Tornado of Squee

by Grottomatic

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mrgoodwraith
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1.
Bad One 04:21
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Just when I think I have found a perfect TV show “Gosh, does this stink!” My honest lips let these words flow I come to terms With the fact this show opened up A can of worms And poured them right into my cup CHORUS: How could I have failed in my quest for perfection? How could such a work as this turn the wrong direction? Sometimes we strike gold, but it still has its impurities And I just found a bad one; help me get it out of my mind, please I found this band Their music really psychs me out But I can’t stand What one of their songs is all about I love this flick Except for this one nasty scene I get so sick Like I’ve been drinking Listerine CHORUS ‘Til now such beauty they have displayed I can’t believe I’ve been betrayed How could they make something as bad as this? I’m just a notch or two short of bliss And it’s killing me! Like a seed in a seedless grape Like an ugly gob on a freshly painted wall There are horrors that nobody can escape What once was perfect is not perfect at all Pardon me if I express a prideful inflection But I clearly see my mind has lost its protection It feels like my brain needs an air filter change or has fleas ‘Cause I just found a bad one; help me get it out of my mind, please
2.
Fanfic 03:57
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It’s not my fault that I have too much time to spare You may think I’m indifferent to this, but I care In fact, I exercise my creativity By spinning tales about my heroes on TV Yes, I know I can’t profit from this pastime I’d be incarcerated if I even made a dime I only yearn to see this happen in the show But my ideas the writers will never know It hurts far too deeply to let it go CHORUS: Please read my fanfic, I really think you should Let’s make it go viral and get countless views I worked so hard just trying to make it good Please read my fanfic, you have nothing to lose I’m going to spread it through the fan community I want to know what everybody has to say to me This could inspire a load of fan-made art And who knows what other kind of buzz it will start? Maybe someone will add a sequel to my tale But then again, I might just make an epic fail That’s why I am releasing this with my screen name Just in case this ends up as my moment of shame Then no one will know from whom it came CHORUS My deepest hope is that my story will get so far That the producers of the show will discover it They’ll say it’s wonderful and summon me to where they are My episode will be a hit! Please read my fanfic, let’s move the buzz along Let’s help all the Web nerds discover my tale Maybe we can help this buzz get so very strong Networks will seek it like the Holy Grail Please read my fanfic, we’ll make the network see I have made a story that works for their show They will do whatever it takes just to contact me They’ll see I’m brilliant and away I’ll go
3.
Pollen 03:17
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I’m too familiar with the springtime scene The flowers bloom and all the grass is green I see that I’m standing on dryer ground The major threat the breezes blow around I’m poppin’ allergy pills two or three times a day I’m pumpin’ the nozzle on the bottle of nasal spray CHORUS: I hate pollen! Everybody else says that spring is a strange and beautiful thing I hate pollen! If I find some kind of cure, I will get me some for sure Of course, the weather could change overnight The rain comes down and makes me feel all right But then the clouds let up and clear away Bad allergies are messing up my day Sometimes the pollen gets so very tough No medicine on Earth is strong enough Oh, how I wish to move somewhere That gets more rain than this Maybe there, I can breathe that springtime air And frequent allergy attacks would be nothing to miss! CHORUS Yeah, this one goes out to all my noseblowers. I woke up in the mornin’ feeling just a little weak I’m stuffin’ tissues up my nose, because I sprang a leak There’s a bunch of redness comin’ over my face And I’m eatin’ everything all up in this place ‘Cause it’s the only thing that I know will stave it off I’m lyin’ on the couch as I sniffle, sneeze, and cough When my nose is raw, it’s much harder to blow I’m just glad this never comes two days in a row CHORUS I cough and sneeze a lot My head feels full of snot My eyes are so itchy and red And yet I am still not dead
4.
Betamax 02:33
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Showing feature films at home started out as a big deal One needed a bulky projector, and the film was on a reel Of course, the picture had to be lined up with a practically useless screen It took such money and time and effort, and it was hard to stay serene Then along came a solution back in the disco age A new medium in home entertainment turned history’s page The machine may have been convenient, but it cost a couple grand And it played movies on cassettes that could be held in one hand But there was an alternative to VHS before the DVD Of course, it was also a video cassette of a higher quality It was much less popular for reasons still unknown I never understood the difference, but it bothers me to the bone I guess that’s enough of the trivial facts Now it’s time to get down to brass tacks For the quality that VHS lacks Yet history let it slip through the cracks Now just try to relax and please don’t turns your backs Go get some popcorn and other movie snacks As I speak of a format currently used only by old-fashioned technology maniacs BETAMAX! I saw a living puppet’s nose grow longer with each lie BETAMAX! I saw a man fix a wrecked car, not knowing it could fly BETAMAX! I saw an immigrant mouse seek his family in NY BETAMAX! Little did I realize I was watching a glorious medium die As far as history is concerned, it’s right there with 8-tracks But I never had a chance to compare and appreciate Betamax
5.
A Mouse for a Day 04:49
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I am drifting away into wishful thinking Replaying a fantasy that never turns stale This one involves my body shrinking Developing fur, two big ears, and a tail Walking past a mirror, I see That I’ve become absurdly cute I can summon a tornado of squee By standing up straight and twitching my snoot My cramped apartment’s a mansion so grand And measly morsels make a buffet I have to savor the moment at hand ‘Cause I’m a mouse for a day CHORUS: My friends are starting to say I’m a peeve ‘Cause my deepest desire is a crime But deep down in my cricetid soul I believe The experience would be sublime I saw all these flicks when I was much younger And I guess that’s how I got this mental disease Sometimes when I am burdened with hunger I wish I could hide in a big block of cheese Wait a second, who set the traps out? Oh wait, that’s right, it was me That was when I was thinking about How hard an obstacle course could be I once considered adopting a cat But then I’m a popular prey I was wise to walk away from that ‘Cause I’m a mouse for a day CHORUS So forgive me if I sound funny while talking With these oversize two front teeth I now own Check out this dollhouse recliner I’m rocking While watching those flicks on my giant smartphone One piece of popcorn and a thimble of pop Fill me up through An American Tail I don’t want these goofy mouse flicks to stop Tonight The Rescuers ain’t gonna fail I’ll sleep on cotton balls in a matchbox It’s more comfy than I can say Life is so sweet and it totally rocks ‘Cause I’m a mouse for a day One minute left before I change back Time to hurry back to that clothing pile Time to get my human life back on track Now tell me, was that really so vile? CHORUS
6.
Wait like a Man 04:42
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Sometimes we must escape to an extraterrestrial paradise Serenity had found us in a world of girly merchandise But seasons come and go, and I see impatience running wild Each year between the seasons, I see men whining like a child Now if you are this type of Brony, then I must remind you what you are You are not a part of the target gender, and you’re old enough to drive a car CHORUS A: I think it’s time for you to realize Patience is a virtue you must exercise I know you can So try to grow up and wait like a man Some decades in the past, I Love Lucy pushed the envelope This classic spawned the rerun, giving countless tardy viewers hope This concept is still practiced, and of course we have the Internet You can purchase episodes for your tablet, or a season DVD box set I’ll admit it’s quite the antidepressant, but my time I do not wish to waste It took me a while to learn to love it, but I’m not a fool with poor taste CHORUS A CHORUS B: I understand it’s quite an awesome show But now is the time for letting everything go According to plan So gather yourself and wait like a man Just because you love My Little Pony Does not mean you are a macaroni You’re a man, and you must act like one Learn to do some shooting with a gun Watch some football and enjoy a beer And you’ll see the brand new season is here CHORUS A CHORUS B Build something with power tools and wait it out Work up a six-pack and wait it out Man up in a manly way for man’s sake and wait like a man Remember your gender, my friends. You are among the likes of Ron Swanson. And Jorgen Von Strangle. And Tim “The Toolman” Taylor. Be a man
7.
Wan 03:49
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The young man was poor, and he had to struggle a bunch for one bite He wanted more, and he got through with the element of heat and light Banished to the wilderness The aye-aye spirit could not care less But then he saved the poor cat deer Showing that he was nothing to fear His name was Wan The first Avatar from early on Two years went by That he lived with those strange Pokemon Then one day Wan freed Vaatu from Raava the spirit of light It seemed hope was gone, but our guy knew he still had a chance to make right He saved that nomad town Then learned to get airbending down And in one year, he proved his worth Gaining power over water and earth Our hero Wan Still had one nasty foe to take on Ready to fight Vaatu’s what he’d wipe his feet upon Oh, poor guy Wan, for Vaatu had wiped out Wan’s hometown on sight Still, there was much more to fear Harmonic convergence was near Vaatu’s powers he’d soon abuse Raava and Wan had to fuse Wan was enraged yet remained strong The battle raged, but not for long Now Vaatu’s caged inside that tree, sweet victory! Hooray for Wan! Though he could not turn Vaatu to flan He made things right Vaatu’s mischief and malice are gone Hooray for Wan! Hooray for Wan, first avatar Vaatu is gone, Wan is a star The cycle starts, continues on Hope in our hearts begins with Wan Farewell to Wan, though he’s through, he hands down that strange glowing kite Avatar Wan
8.
Adulthood Is Fast Approaching 05:18
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Nine months safe and sound you sheltered me We both know that was too recently Treating my spit-ups and my diaper rash Sure takes a bite out of your extra cash This is a fleeting stage I will grow in size and age And knowledge will develop in my brain So you’d better cherish this time. CHORUS: Calm me down when you hear me scream Interrupting your time to dream Adulthood is fast approaching Pamper me while you still can Someday I’ll be a fully-grown man Adulthood is fast approaching And you can’t make it stop You sway a loaded spoon towards my face And I spew that stuff all over the place Leave me with a sitter, but I’ve yet to learn That every time you go away you return But there will come a day When I will go away And my whereabouts will drive you insane I won’t be a baby forever! CHORUS Tear some paper or pour water on the floor It’s a hoot now, but it will become a bore Because I’ll get stimulation at preschool Then I’ll start doing math and trying to be cool Then I’ll don the cap and gown Attend college in another town And this will be nothing more than Memory Lane By the way, I need to be changed. CHORUS Seal me tightly in the seat Riding in the car is neat Adulthood is fast approaching Binky, blanket, favorite plush 8-to-5 comes in a rush Adulthood is fast approaching And you can’t make it stop I still can’t eat solid food I don’t care who sees me nude Adulthood is fast approaching Time will quickly slip away Blink to see my wedding day Adulthood is fast approaching And you can’t make it stop No matter what you do It’s just a phase I’m going through It is my destiny to leave you
9.
Don’t Burn the Toys 05:12
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It’s been a month since our youngest moved out, and now we are all alone And we can no longer make our kids do the dishes or see that the lawn is mown The toys are gathering dust right now, just because they’ve been long unused Now it’s just me and my pyromaniac wife, and she’s nothing but confused She just wants to have a little fun Now that her motherly duties are done But I’m just trying to convince her to keep her cool CHORUS: Don’t burn the toys tonight We should save them for posterity Baby, you know it ain’t right Perhaps we could give them to charity Think of the future for just one moment Sad little girls and boys Darling, please try to understand Don’t burn the toys I still remember when we went for a drive, and we both heard sirens blare She followed a fire engine to the inferno, just so she could stop and stare I can’t forget when we went to the beach just to have a weenie roast She brought a large tank of gasoline, and the weenies tasted like burned toast If it ever gets too cold outside She wouldn’t mind having the whole house fried She hates to keep the fire in the fireplace CHORUS
10.
Strong Bad 06:28
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Before you lay your weary head down for the night, Do you regularly tear yourself apart? Ever since that stupid question was shown on the website, You’ve managed to turn fan mail into art Just when you made it to a simple point-and-click You slipped away into a memory The years have come and gone, and the yearning makes me sick And from the sickness I never will break free CHORUS: Answer me, Strong Bad I’ve waited for so long Since you never responded, I made this stupid song Staring at the screen Into your eyes so green I just can’t get the thought of you out of my head You came before Facebook and YouTube’s glory days And I Can Has Cheezburger LOLcat pics My dreary mood was something that you knew how to raise But where is episode two hundred six? You were the first Web craze that had me deeply hooked And still I reminisce once in a while Now there are countless memes that have you overlooked But oh, how I still miss your original style CHORUS
11.
Unicorn 03:52
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So you skipped a stone across a calm lake And you hit a magical creature by mistake It could have been a gnome or a faun or an elf But this one can’t resist the reflection of herself Now school may appear as even more of an endless chore But in the video game of life, you just hit an unbeatable score CHORUS: Just try to be happy; it should be easy enough ‘Cause your life is now chock-full of magical stuff And when hard times make you rue the day you were born Just remember your best friend is a unicorn Total strangers act like your friend ain’t there And she did some crazy things to your frenemy’s hair Look behind the curtain and gaze in awe At the other gorgeous beauties without flaw Don’t listen to the other kids who think you’re a nut Because you have a lifetime ticket to the land of Stupidbutt CHORUS Magic is the ultimate way to de-stress Only you see beyond the Shield of Boringness Having nerdy parents must be so great Because your strange friend they know how to appreciate Keep on hanging with your friend and you may see The unknown face of Lord Splendid Humility CHORUS Pastel toys don’t cut it no more You’ve got a crazy adventure in store No other friend can top the list Like an herbivorous quadrupedal narcissist A creature like that needs a slap in the face When she stops to gaze at her own grace Your story fills the gap in my mind That Calvin & Hobbes left behind CHORUS (By the way, Phoebe, where do these creatures hang out? I really gotta meet one.)
12.
Sniffing at My Fingertips 04:38
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Don’t ask me how it began; I can’t remember where or when But if I ever drop the habit, I’ll just pick it up again I guess I had something strange on my hands and felt compelled To learn a little more about the stuff by finding out just how it smelled And now I find I just can’t help myself It’s too far out of my control It makes me look like a stupid freak And realize there’s a much bigger toll It takes over my soul CHORUS: I’m sniffing at my fingertips Be it hygienic or be it gross, I must check them with my nose I’m sniffing at my fingertips It’s a habit, but it’s quite swell Taste is eighty percent smell Do you enjoy the smell of your recently-washed hands? I’ve got something even worse that nobody else understands I smell them before I wash, no matter what I’ve just done In its own creepy little way, I’ve found that it’s quite fun I clean out my ears and finger-comb my hair But my nose just can’t get enough My friends say, “Hey, sicko, quit it already!” “Golly, why would you want to smell that stuff?” It makes life so tough CHORUS When I find an itch, I scratch, but coping ain’t no breeze Freshly scratched skin to me is just like honey to bees Just popped a zit; oh, now I have to check it out Smells just like all the others before, no doubt I could hear the wind blowing through the woods Or even see a solar eclipse I could trade it for the taste of fruit-filled baked goods Or to have a woman kiss me on the lips And yet I sniff my fingertips! CHORUS Yo, I’ve done a lot of sniffin’ with the passage of time I’m sniffin’ all crazy kinds of dirt, pus, and slime And yet I seldom find somethin’ I can’t take I never get tired, I never need a break I take it to the nose, I’m sniffin’ with the pros I’ll follow any odor, wherever it goes I guess this yucky habit takes its toll My other senses have a lofty goal (Such a lofty goal) (Still sniffing after all this time) (And I still can’t put it down) (By now I fear I’ll never kick the habit) (Still sniffin’, still sniffin’, still sniffin’ like a boss) (Maybe I’ll have to join Finger-Sniffers Anonymous) (Still can’t stop sniffin’, I don’t think I’ll ever stop sniffin’ at my fingertips) (Save yourself while you still can, don’t start sniffin’ your fingertips)

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My second album! This minimum-budget opus includes thoughts on good works with bad spots, obsolete video technology, confessions of bad habits, and what may be the greatest MIDI guitar solo ever.

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released March 18, 2015

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