Tornado of Squee

by Grottomatic

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My second album! This minimum-budget opus includes thoughts on good works with bad spots, obsolete video technology, confessions of bad habits, and what may be the greatest MIDI guitar solo ever.


released March 18, 2015





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Track Name: Bad One
Just when I think
I have found a perfect TV show
“Gosh, does this stink!”
My honest lips let these words flow
I come to terms
With the fact this show opened up
A can of worms
And poured them right into my cup

How could I have failed in my quest for perfection?
How could such a work as this turn the wrong direction?
Sometimes we strike gold, but it still has its impurities
And I just found a bad one; help me get it out of my mind, please

I found this band
Their music really psychs me out
But I can’t stand
What one of their songs is all about
I love this flick
Except for this one nasty scene
I get so sick
Like I’ve been drinking Listerine


‘Til now such beauty they have displayed
I can’t believe I’ve been betrayed
How could they make something as bad as this?
I’m just a notch or two short of bliss
And it’s killing me!

Like a seed in a seedless grape
Like an ugly gob on a freshly painted wall
There are horrors that nobody can escape
What once was perfect is not perfect at all

Pardon me if I express a prideful inflection
But I clearly see my mind has lost its protection
It feels like my brain needs an air filter change or has fleas
‘Cause I just found a bad one; help me get it out of my mind, please
Track Name: Fanfic
It’s not my fault that I have too much time to spare
You may think I’m indifferent to this, but I care
In fact, I exercise my creativity
By spinning tales about my heroes on TV
Yes, I know I can’t profit from this pastime
I’d be incarcerated if I even made a dime
I only yearn to see this happen in the show
But my ideas the writers will never know
It hurts far too deeply to let it go

Please read my fanfic, I really think you should
Let’s make it go viral and get countless views
I worked so hard just trying to make it good
Please read my fanfic, you have nothing to lose

I’m going to spread it through the fan community
I want to know what everybody has to say to me
This could inspire a load of fan-made art
And who knows what other kind of buzz it will start?
Maybe someone will add a sequel to my tale
But then again, I might just make an epic fail
That’s why I am releasing this with my screen name
Just in case this ends up as my moment of shame
Then no one will know from whom it came


My deepest hope is that my story will get so far
That the producers of the show will discover it
They’ll say it’s wonderful and summon me to where they are
My episode will be a hit!

Please read my fanfic, let’s move the buzz along
Let’s help all the Web nerds discover my tale
Maybe we can help this buzz get so very strong
Networks will seek it like the Holy Grail

Please read my fanfic, we’ll make the network see
I have made a story that works for their show
They will do whatever it takes just to contact me
They’ll see I’m brilliant and away I’ll go
Track Name: Pollen
I’m too familiar with the springtime scene
The flowers bloom and all the grass is green
I see that I’m standing on dryer ground
The major threat the breezes blow around
I’m poppin’ allergy pills two or three times a day
I’m pumpin’ the nozzle on the bottle of nasal spray

I hate pollen!
Everybody else says that spring is a strange and beautiful thing
I hate pollen!
If I find some kind of cure, I will get me some for sure

Of course, the weather could change overnight
The rain comes down and makes me feel all right
But then the clouds let up and clear away
Bad allergies are messing up my day
Sometimes the pollen gets so very tough
No medicine on Earth is strong enough

Oh, how I wish to move somewhere
That gets more rain than this
Maybe there, I can breathe that springtime air
And frequent allergy attacks would be nothing to miss!


Yeah, this one goes out to all my noseblowers.

I woke up in the mornin’ feeling just a little weak
I’m stuffin’ tissues up my nose, because I sprang a leak
There’s a bunch of redness comin’ over my face
And I’m eatin’ everything all up in this place
‘Cause it’s the only thing that I know will stave it off
I’m lyin’ on the couch as I sniffle, sneeze, and cough
When my nose is raw, it’s much harder to blow
I’m just glad this never comes two days in a row


I cough and sneeze a lot
My head feels full of snot
My eyes are so itchy and red
And yet I am still not dead
Track Name: Betamax
Showing feature films at home started out as a big deal
One needed a bulky projector, and the film was on a reel
Of course, the picture had to be lined up with a practically useless screen
It took such money and time and effort, and it was hard to stay serene

Then along came a solution back in the disco age
A new medium in home entertainment turned history’s page
The machine may have been convenient, but it cost a couple grand
And it played movies on cassettes that could be held in one hand

But there was an alternative to VHS before the DVD
Of course, it was also a video cassette of a higher quality
It was much less popular for reasons still unknown
I never understood the difference, but it bothers me to the bone

I guess that’s enough of the trivial facts
Now it’s time to get down to brass tacks
For the quality that VHS lacks
Yet history let it slip through the cracks
Now just try to relax and please don’t turns your backs
Go get some popcorn and other movie snacks
As I speak of a format currently used only by old-fashioned technology maniacs

I saw a living puppet’s nose grow longer with each lie
I saw a man fix a wrecked car, not knowing it could fly
I saw an immigrant mouse seek his family in NY
Little did I realize I was watching a glorious medium die

As far as history is concerned, it’s right there with 8-tracks
But I never had a chance to compare and appreciate Betamax
Track Name: A Mouse for a Day
I am drifting away into wishful thinking
Replaying a fantasy that never turns stale
This one involves my body shrinking
Developing fur, two big ears, and a tail
Walking past a mirror, I see
That I’ve become absurdly cute
I can summon a tornado of squee
By standing up straight and twitching my snoot
My cramped apartment’s a mansion so grand
And measly morsels make a buffet
I have to savor the moment at hand
‘Cause I’m a mouse for a day

My friends are starting to say I’m a peeve
‘Cause my deepest desire is a crime
But deep down in my cricetid soul I believe
The experience would be sublime

I saw all these flicks when I was much younger
And I guess that’s how I got this mental disease
Sometimes when I am burdened with hunger
I wish I could hide in a big block of cheese
Wait a second, who set the traps out?
Oh wait, that’s right, it was me
That was when I was thinking about
How hard an obstacle course could be
I once considered adopting a cat
But then I’m a popular prey
I was wise to walk away from that
‘Cause I’m a mouse for a day


So forgive me if I sound funny while talking
With these oversize two front teeth I now own
Check out this dollhouse recliner I’m rocking
While watching those flicks on my giant smartphone
One piece of popcorn and a thimble of pop
Fill me up through An American Tail
I don’t want these goofy mouse flicks to stop
Tonight The Rescuers ain’t gonna fail
I’ll sleep on cotton balls in a matchbox
It’s more comfy than I can say
Life is so sweet and it totally rocks
‘Cause I’m a mouse for a day

One minute left before I change back
Time to hurry back to that clothing pile
Time to get my human life back on track
Now tell me, was that really so vile?

Track Name: Wait like a Man
Sometimes we must escape to an extraterrestrial paradise
Serenity had found us in a world of girly merchandise
But seasons come and go, and I see impatience running wild
Each year between the seasons, I see men whining like a child
Now if you are this type of Brony, then I must remind you what you are
You are not a part of the target gender, and you’re old enough to drive a car

I think it’s time for you to realize
Patience is a virtue you must exercise
I know you can
So try to grow up and wait like a man

Some decades in the past, I Love Lucy pushed the envelope
This classic spawned the rerun, giving countless tardy viewers hope
This concept is still practiced, and of course we have the Internet
You can purchase episodes for your tablet, or a season DVD box set
I’ll admit it’s quite the antidepressant, but my time I do not wish to waste
It took me a while to learn to love it, but I’m not a fool with poor taste


I understand it’s quite an awesome show
But now is the time for letting everything go
According to plan
So gather yourself and wait like a man

Just because you love My Little Pony
Does not mean you are a macaroni
You’re a man, and you must act like one
Learn to do some shooting with a gun
Watch some football and enjoy a beer
And you’ll see the brand new season is here


Build something with power tools and wait it out
Work up a six-pack and wait it out
Man up in a manly way for man’s sake and wait like a man

Remember your gender, my friends. You are among the likes of Ron Swanson. And Jorgen Von Strangle. And Tim “The Toolman” Taylor. Be a man
Track Name: Wan
The young man was poor, and he had to struggle a bunch for one bite
He wanted more, and he got through with the element of heat and light
Banished to the wilderness
The aye-aye spirit could not care less
But then he saved the poor cat deer
Showing that he was nothing to fear

His name was Wan
The first Avatar from early on
Two years went by
That he lived with those strange Pokemon

Then one day Wan freed Vaatu from Raava the spirit of light
It seemed hope was gone, but our guy knew he still had a chance to make right
He saved that nomad town
Then learned to get airbending down
And in one year, he proved his worth
Gaining power over water and earth

Our hero Wan
Still had one nasty foe to take on
Ready to fight
Vaatu’s what he’d wipe his feet upon
Oh, poor guy Wan, for Vaatu had wiped out Wan’s hometown on sight

Still, there was much more to fear
Harmonic convergence was near
Vaatu’s powers he’d soon abuse
Raava and Wan had to fuse

Wan was enraged yet remained strong
The battle raged, but not for long
Now Vaatu’s caged inside that tree, sweet victory!

Hooray for Wan!
Though he could not turn Vaatu to flan
He made things right
Vaatu’s mischief and malice are gone
Hooray for Wan!

Hooray for Wan, first avatar
Vaatu is gone, Wan is a star
The cycle starts, continues on
Hope in our hearts begins with Wan
Farewell to Wan, though he’s through, he hands down that strange glowing kite
Avatar Wan
Track Name: Adulthood Is Fast Approaching
Nine months safe and sound you sheltered me
We both know that was too recently
Treating my spit-ups and my diaper rash
Sure takes a bite out of your extra cash
This is a fleeting stage
I will grow in size and age
And knowledge will develop in my brain
So you’d better cherish this time.

Calm me down when you hear me scream
Interrupting your time to dream
Adulthood is fast approaching
Pamper me while you still can
Someday I’ll be a fully-grown man
Adulthood is fast approaching
And you can’t make it stop

You sway a loaded spoon towards my face
And I spew that stuff all over the place
Leave me with a sitter, but I’ve yet to learn
That every time you go away you return
But there will come a day
When I will go away
And my whereabouts will drive you insane
I won’t be a baby forever!


Tear some paper or pour water on the floor
It’s a hoot now, but it will become a bore
Because I’ll get stimulation at preschool
Then I’ll start doing math and trying to be cool
Then I’ll don the cap and gown
Attend college in another town
And this will be nothing more than Memory Lane
By the way, I need to be changed.


Seal me tightly in the seat
Riding in the car is neat
Adulthood is fast approaching
Binky, blanket, favorite plush
8-to-5 comes in a rush
Adulthood is fast approaching
And you can’t make it stop

I still can’t eat solid food
I don’t care who sees me nude
Adulthood is fast approaching
Time will quickly slip away
Blink to see my wedding day
Adulthood is fast approaching
And you can’t make it stop

No matter what you do
It’s just a phase I’m going through
It is my destiny to leave you
Track Name: Don’t Burn the Toys
It’s been a month since our youngest moved out, and now we are all alone
And we can no longer make our kids do the dishes or see that the lawn is mown
The toys are gathering dust right now, just because they’ve been long unused
Now it’s just me and my pyromaniac wife, and she’s nothing but confused
She just wants to have a little fun
Now that her motherly duties are done
But I’m just trying to convince her to keep her cool

Don’t burn the toys tonight
We should save them for posterity
Baby, you know it ain’t right
Perhaps we could give them to charity
Think of the future for just one moment
Sad little girls and boys
Darling, please try to understand
Don’t burn the toys

I still remember when we went for a drive, and we both heard sirens blare
She followed a fire engine to the inferno, just so she could stop and stare
I can’t forget when we went to the beach just to have a weenie roast
She brought a large tank of gasoline, and the weenies tasted like burned toast
If it ever gets too cold outside
She wouldn’t mind having the whole house fried
She hates to keep the fire in the fireplace

Track Name: Strong Bad
Before you lay your weary head down for the night,
Do you regularly tear yourself apart?
Ever since that stupid question was shown on the website,
You’ve managed to turn fan mail into art
Just when you made it to a simple point-and-click
You slipped away into a memory
The years have come and gone, and the yearning makes me sick
And from the sickness I never will break free

Answer me, Strong Bad
I’ve waited for so long
Since you never responded,
I made this stupid song
Staring at the screen
Into your eyes so green
I just can’t get the thought of you out of my head

You came before Facebook and YouTube’s glory days
And I Can Has Cheezburger LOLcat pics
My dreary mood was something that you knew how to raise
But where is episode two hundred six?
You were the first Web craze that had me deeply hooked
And still I reminisce once in a while
Now there are countless memes that have you overlooked
But oh, how I still miss your original style

Track Name: Unicorn
So you skipped a stone across a calm lake
And you hit a magical creature by mistake
It could have been a gnome or a faun or an elf
But this one can’t resist the reflection of herself
Now school may appear as even more of an endless chore
But in the video game of life, you just hit an unbeatable score

Just try to be happy; it should be easy enough
‘Cause your life is now chock-full of magical stuff
And when hard times make you rue the day you were born
Just remember your best friend is a unicorn

Total strangers act like your friend ain’t there
And she did some crazy things to your frenemy’s hair
Look behind the curtain and gaze in awe
At the other gorgeous beauties without flaw
Don’t listen to the other kids who think you’re a nut
Because you have a lifetime ticket to the land of Stupidbutt


Magic is the ultimate way to de-stress
Only you see beyond the Shield of Boringness
Having nerdy parents must be so great
Because your strange friend they know how to appreciate
Keep on hanging with your friend and you may see
The unknown face of Lord Splendid Humility


Pastel toys don’t cut it no more
You’ve got a crazy adventure in store
No other friend can top the list
Like an herbivorous quadrupedal narcissist
A creature like that needs a slap in the face
When she stops to gaze at her own grace
Your story fills the gap in my mind
That Calvin & Hobbes left behind


(By the way, Phoebe, where do these creatures hang out? I really gotta meet one.)
Track Name: Sniffing at My Fingertips
Don’t ask me how it began; I can’t remember where or when
But if I ever drop the habit, I’ll just pick it up again
I guess I had something strange on my hands and felt compelled
To learn a little more about the stuff by finding out just how it smelled
And now I find I just can’t help myself
It’s too far out of my control
It makes me look like a stupid freak
And realize there’s a much bigger toll
It takes over my soul

I’m sniffing at my fingertips
Be it hygienic or be it gross,
I must check them with my nose
I’m sniffing at my fingertips
It’s a habit, but it’s quite swell
Taste is eighty percent smell

Do you enjoy the smell of your recently-washed hands?
I’ve got something even worse that nobody else understands
I smell them before I wash, no matter what I’ve just done
In its own creepy little way, I’ve found that it’s quite fun
I clean out my ears and finger-comb my hair
But my nose just can’t get enough
My friends say, “Hey, sicko, quit it already!”
“Golly, why would you want to smell that stuff?”
It makes life so tough


When I find an itch, I scratch, but coping ain’t no breeze
Freshly scratched skin to me is just like honey to bees
Just popped a zit; oh, now I have to check it out
Smells just like all the others before, no doubt
I could hear the wind blowing through the woods
Or even see a solar eclipse
I could trade it for the taste of fruit-filled baked goods
Or to have a woman kiss me on the lips
And yet I sniff my fingertips!


Yo, I’ve done a lot of sniffin’ with the passage of time
I’m sniffin’ all crazy kinds of dirt, pus, and slime
And yet I seldom find somethin’ I can’t take
I never get tired, I never need a break
I take it to the nose, I’m sniffin’ with the pros
I’ll follow any odor, wherever it goes
I guess this yucky habit takes its toll
My other senses have a lofty goal

(Such a lofty goal)
(Still sniffing after all this time)
(And I still can’t put it down)
(By now I fear I’ll never kick the habit)
(Still sniffin’, still sniffin’, still sniffin’ like a boss)
(Maybe I’ll have to join Finger-Sniffers Anonymous)
(Still can’t stop sniffin’, I don’t think I’ll ever stop sniffin’ at my fingertips)
(Save yourself while you still can, don’t start sniffin’ your fingertips)