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about

This came from an instance after I had to move back in with my parents. Not fun. Then I noticed the DVDs coming in the mail were a bunch of crummy films that we did not even know existed. The reason for this lack of quality was because the DVD queue was empty. But they were still paying for discs, and they got discs.

lyrics

Walked out to the mailbox, just wondering what’s inside
Another red envelope and my eyes are open wide
I tear off the perforation and have a look at the sleeve
I see some title that I find hard to believe
I wonder just how far this will go
This has happened several times in a row
I check the site and get quite a scare
My queue’s completely bare
There’s not one entry there

CHORUS A:
I volunteer to pay
They send a disc my way
Nothing here but garbage in view
The reason for this pile
Of movies cheap and vile
Is my empty Netflix queue

A Victorian duchess trains goats to make duvets
A hazmat team braves a town that has flatulence for haze
Who knows the fate of Big Ben when a cog comes unscrewed?
Two kids have to save a magic forest in the nude
Some gal’s new glasses show her the dead
A masseur survives a knife to the head
A hawk moth joins a kingdom of bees
What are these DVDs?
I never asked for these!

CHORUS A

I’ve been better entertained by watching paint dry
This world has certain filmmakers who should not even try
What I’ve seen recently is just too awful to forget
I wonder if Mike Nelson and his friends have seen this yet
This would not be an issue if the video store weren’t dead
I’d only have to give a care once in a while instead
But nowadays we all have lengthy queues we must maintain
For if we should neglect them, they shall cause us worlds of pain
The fact that films like these exist just tears me up inside
I could cut down my membership, but then I have my pride

Gotta hold a brainstorm, gotta think about the past
Gotta make a note of better films to be amassed

I can think of movies that made me happy as a kid
Maybe I memorized them but can’t remember if I did
There are timeless classics that don’t look all that fun
But I won’t know until I see at least one

CHORUS B:
It’s time to loosen up; the couch potato’s back
Time to get inactive, ‘cause I got pounds to pack
I wish I’d thought of this sooner, ‘cause it’s the perfect thing to do
I’m filling up my empty Netflix queue

Gonna clean up the sofa; it’s better to lounge than stand
Gonna make sure popcorn, soda, and candy are on hand
There’s no time to worry about my health on movie night
Don’t mind the muffin tops or cellulite

CHORUS B

credits

from Hey Blondie, How​’​s It Going?, released August 18, 2018
Words and music by Tim Stevens.

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