On No Budget

by Grottomatic

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about

I have been writing goofy songs for a couple years now, but I have experienced quite a bit of trouble getting them recorded and figuring out how to sell my music online. But it's finally out! I recorded this whole album (except Avatar) on my home computer, and that is why it sounds so cheap. I couldn't afford a real recording studio complete with a professional record producer and excellent backup musicians, so I had to make the best of what I had. Maybe I will revisit some of these tunes with a professional recording team someday. But for now, enjoy the nerdy music.
-Tim

credits

released 12 December 2012

Grottomatic is:
Tim Stevens (piano, vocals, programming, actually everything)

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Track Name: Virtual Road Trip
Cheeseburgers ain't healthy, gasoline ain't cheap
A motel room is not the nicest place to sleep
Traveling ain't easy when you're short on dough
You have to cut down on the distance you want to go
But thanks to those at Google Earth, I'm satisfied
I can get away without even going outside

CHORUS:
Clicking and dragging is how I roll
(When the highway calls my name)
No need to fill the tank or pay the toll
(When I have no cash to claim)
I'm on a virtual road trip, and there's so much to see
Even when stuck at home, I'm still free

My car is staying put, no need to loa
I'm zoomed in nice and low on the open road
Cruising along by clicking and dragging the mouse
I'm taking a scenic drive inside my house
I can see in an hour what would take a week
I don't need to search for a place to take a leak

CHORUS

Sometimes I think these roads are getting plain
So I follow the rails and pretend I'm on a train
Some prefer to fly
But I'm not that kind of guy
Flying causes me to go insane
Track Name: Ice Cream Truck
I still remember when the ice cream truck used to come by our street
I and the other kids would rush to the sidewalk for a fifty-cent frozen treat
Some popsicles had ice cream inside while others had a gumball like a balloon
There were cups with chocolate or strawberry stripes and a stupid flat wooden spoon

Some came in sandwiches, some on sticks
I got so much pleasure from my sugar fix
But nowadays no frozen novelties are worth making unless they come from some kind of TV show
I heard they even replaced some old trucks with minivans long ago
It doesn't matter whether things taste good, it's the stuff that today's kids know
Why did the classics have to go?

(I didn't ask for tasteless garbage. / Even drug store ice cream is boring. DANCE!)

Heading to the mall with half a Dairy Queen
No burgers, hot dogs, or fries, that's what I mean
They still have my favorite concoctions on hand
They know how to meet my frozen treat demand

But it would still be nice if the real food were there
It's hard to find burgers and ice cream for cheap in my town anywhere
At least anything worth eating, I think it's time to find some place with the awesome junk food and all
Track Name: Avatar
James Cameron, you’ve really blown my mind
I forgive you for Titanic; believe me, it’s fine
For more than two hours, I was so amazed
Your movie had taken over my mind for days
As wonderful as it was, it was hard for me
To realize that such a beautiful place could never be
The city streets had seemed so gray; the fruit had seemed so dry
And never had I felt like such a pitiful guy

CHORUS:
I wish that Avatar were real
If only our ecosystem could work that way
You don’t know how bummed out I feel
Reality is the biggest price to pay

I’ve wished my closet contained a magical land
I’ve wished I could crawl up walls and shoot silk from my hand
But I woke up after Avatar, thinking life was so unfair
I don’t live on Pandora; I wish I were there!
My astronomy professor mentioned the distant moon
He said that no technology could get us there soon
To get there would take well over one hundred thousand years
When this little fact was mentioned, I burst into tears

CHORUS

(Avatar) I just want to be
Where I can hang out with the Na’Vi
(Avatar) I want to live in a tree
And make the wildlife listen to me
(Avatar) I just want to be
Where I can hang out with the Na’Vi
(Avatar) I want to live in a tree
And make the wildlife listen to me
Track Name: Chocolate Break Of Doom
Chocolate is lingering on my mind
Other snacks are what I need to find
For I am giving chocolate a break for seven days
But cutting back makes me behave the most unusual ways
Farmers far away in Chocolate Land
Can’t work fast enough to meet demand
So here I take a break from eating that delicious stuff
But if I am the only one, it will not be enough

For chocolate far down the road, I must cut back today
Yet visions of these brown delights are not going away
It’s hard to keep my self-control while on this chocolate break
But it’s a sacrifice that everyone must make

It’s all I can think about
Stuck in my mind, won’t come out
I just wish that it would let me be
It will not be long before I’m free
Studies show that dark chocolate is good food for the heart
So this could be quite risky and not so very smart
Studies show that milk chocolate is good food for the brain
If I don’t get a proper dose, then I might go insane!

For chocolate far down the road, we must cut back today
For if we don’t, oh what a nasty price we’ll have to pay
So everyone should do as I do for the future’s sake
We all must work as one and take a chocolate break!
Track Name: Doctor Who
A curious notion was all that it took
I thought that I could sneak one harmless look
I just had to know why
Everyone loves that guy
Who lives in a box painted blue
I had just discovered Doctor Who

I watched the Doctor travel with this cute girl named Rose
I saw him beat the Daleks, his ultimate foes
The Doctor’s too great
For them to exterminate
How they keep coming back, I’ve no clue
I get psyched when watching Doctor Who

The Ood’s mission
Is strange and confusing
Why don’t they desire to be free?
This so-called physician
Says stuff that is amusing
And the action is so fun to see

Sometimes I start wishing it weren’t just a show
I love to board the TARDIS and see where I’d go
But I only feel
Relieved that it’s not real
When I pass by an angel statue
I got scared to death by Doctor Who

Things can get hairy
For those who cross the Master
He loves to cause others pain
It makes him merry
To cause a huge disaster
And he loves to be called insane

The new show is better in every way
It’s gaining momentum in the U. S. of A.
If this show you don’t see
In the same way as me
I know I’ll make a fan out of you
Who needs Kirk, McCoy, and Spock?
This one’s steady as a rock
I’m a crazy fan of Doctor Who
I just can’t stop watching Doctor Who
Track Name: The Bronies Have Landed
We have Star Wars and Harry Potter, Narnia and Lord of the Rings
These are so deeply tattooed in our minds, and shout-outs come in all sorts of things
But there’s a brand new media frenzy that I still just don’t understand
Over a certain cartoon made for preteen girls, but it seems everypony’s calling it grand
It all began when Twilight Sparkle finally came out of her shell
She got together with her five new friends to drive away a nocturnal spell
Apparently, it’s quite cool with men for reasons I cannot explain
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic has gone straight to everyone’s brain

CHORUS:
There is no escape at this time; the Bronies have landed!
And I still have yet to figure out how this online fad occurred
They believe the show is sublime, and they will have me branded
As a fool with poor taste unless I join the herd

This show will not vanish anytime soon; I’ve never seen such a big meme
I wake up every morning horrified to discover that it wasn’t a dream
Because the Bronies are out in full force, and I question their sanity
They would give up a chance to see the Blue Angels live for Rainbow Dash on TV
They don’t remember what fun was like before they found Pinkie Pie
I forgot what to say for Applejack or Rarity or Fluttershy
So far I’ve managed to avoid the Bronies, but I must keep standing strong
If I’m not careful, I’ll become one of them, and I fear that it will not be long!

CHORUS

Every day, I check the sites
New videos without copyrights
Music or visuals the makers don’t own
Like the “Sonic Rainboom” set to “Danger Zone”
I fear that I’m coming near the day
When I watch the show and it makes me decay
I’ll be a mere shadow of my former self
With pony merchandise on display on every shelf

I must confess that it does seem appealing.
Track Name: Goodbye Krispy Kreme
It came not too long after I first found out
And I felt ashamed how this town did without
Just another great place that none here did know
The pleasure of watching those rings of dough
They slowly expand as the racks fall and rise
Then a quick hot oil bath, just enough for both sides
Then the glaze is poured on and it waits to congeal
Such a glorious snack, not good for a meal
But of course it was too good to last
How could something like this end so fast?

CHORUS:
Goodbye Krispy Kreme
Living on in a dream
And too many miles away
How I pray you return
Should the people here learn
That we should not eat these everyday
Such a shame that you could not stay

One doughnut could brighten the darkest of days
Even if it had naught but that sweet layer of glaze
When chocolate creme was placed on the top
That’s what made this such a great doughnut shop
With the juice of the oranges to rinse it all down
I could not keep my face in a frown
Had I just been to a funeral or even lost work
Those sweet classic doughnuts still drove me berserk
If I only knew what would come
Now I have a great void like a drum

CHORUS

Who here could see that it would not be long
Before all those doughnuts we loved would be gone?
People only want coffee, but nothing to munch
As a pleasure that comes between breakfast and lunch
A new coffee shop had taken its place
As they rubbed all their fame in the Krispy Kreme’s face
Now the only thing left to keep my hope alive
Is the next time I see one on a long drive
But locations are so hard to find
Why is it always haunting my mind?

CHORUS
Track Name: Not So Great
Hello, everybody. Here is a boring little song about stuff that I call. . .

Not so great, not so great
Not so great, not so great

Classic Game & Watch, Nintendo’s early ‘80s creation
Anything purchased at McDonald’s, at least in its home nation
Riding in an airliner, don’t care where it’s going to
Banana pudding with or without Nillas; I do not care for that yellow goo

Not so great, not so great
Not so great, not so great

Extremely hot sunny days, motion-sensing public restrooms
Batman, Superman, Peanuts comics, out-of-this-world perfumes
Most kinds of Mexican food, any Michael Jackson song
Southern California from May to October, movies that are three hours long

Not so great, not so great
Not so great, not so great
Not so great, not so great
Not so great, not so great

There are few greater ways to waste time than to read a plotless, thrown-together romance novel about a girl with an extremely low IQ falling in love with a sparkly vampire against whom she should be seeking a restraining order.
Track Name: Master Of Phobias
What if I can’t find the source of a sound?
What if I just find a corpse on the ground?
What if I spontaneously combust when no one’s around?
What if I die from the light of the sun?
What if I fall over when I run?
What if I’m with a girl and she cuts one?
What if I come across a rip in time and make a drastic change in history?
What if I have to go into the woods and be surrounded by coniferous trees?

CHORUS:
I’m the master of phobias; I fear everything
When it comes to paranoia, I am the king
I can’t even go for a walk in the park
I’d lock myself in a closet, but I fear the dark

What if a psychic and I should meet?
What if my socks get too damp on my feet?
What if I can’t hold it on the road and I ruin the seat?
What if the world around me is a play?
What if a whole nest of bees comes my way?
What if I’m in a strong wind and it blows my clothes away?
What if I pop the question to my girl and she tells me to go and die?
What if my weight drops down to zero and I fall into the sky?
Oh, no!

CHORUS

I’m afraid of getting chopped to bits by the shrapnel that comes from mowing the lawn
I’m afraid of being stuck all alone in the dark, so I keep the night-light on
I’m washing my hands constantly because I fear germs and fleas
I try to find comfort in the Bible, but then I find gruesome prophecies
Somebody help me!

CHORUS
CHORUS

It makes me scared just singing about it, so I’ll just end this song!
Track Name: The Joy Of Painting
Soft hills, green grass
It's a free art class
White clouds, blue skies
How sweet on sore eyes
Tall trees, calm lakes
Fret not for mistakes
Mountains stand strong
I’ve been here how long?
So much spare time I count as loss
All thanks to that one guy known as Bob Ross

CHORUS: The Joy of Painting is on TV
And I can’t change the channel for the life of me
‘Cause it’s already started and I must see
The picture complete
Here in my seat
Put up my feet
Gee, ain’t it neat!

I see a shack
Decomposing black
Who lives in there?
Squatters who don’t care
The fence breaks down
As I lounge around
I realize
How quickly times flies
Why did I peek at this dumb show?
Once I get started, I just can’t say no

CHORUS

Hours, days, weeks
I’m the king of idle freaks
I’m watching my life fly away
But I’m not on the dock of the bay, which is a much better place to waste time.

CHORUS
Track Name: Nothing About New York
I've been on my fair share of virtual road trips,
And I've found many a curious small town
Just like Mount Airy where Andy Griffith grew up
You can see the signs of his show all around
(Find it in North Carolina)
A man stands on a street corner in Winslow, Arizona
Just like in the Eagles' classic song
(Where's the woman in the Ford truck?)
The folks in Ashland, Oregon, are crazy for Shakespeare
Life is a stage, and we all must play along

CHORUS:
Some may think I'm nuts, some may hate my guts,
(All they see is)
And look at me like I eat my frozen yogurt with a fork
(One crazy guy)
But if it's not well-known, I want to see the zone
(It's inspiring)
And keep on thinking nothing about New York

A sign in Bishop, California, marks the beginning
Of the long and lonely road to Provincetown
(Far away in Massachusetts)
The first JC Penney is in Diamondville, Wyoming,
A state where the population is down
(At least that's what I have been told)
Seventy-six trombones lead the big parade in Mason City, Iowa,
The town that Meredith Wilson called his own
(Where is Gary, Indiana?)
And if you're looking for Frisco, go to Colorado or Texas,
Not California's foggy coastal zone

CHORUS

Lucy and Ricky bought a house in Westport, Connecticut,
Mainly for the benefit of their son
I think of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico,
And wonder if lying is ever done
Mitchell, South Dakota, has a palace made of corn
Maybe someday I will have a look
One Pennsylvania town has a rather risque name,
And they have heard every dirty joke in the book
Now I know my interest in such places may seem strange,
Mainly because I haven't even seen one of them, but that may change!
Track Name: Girly Cartoon About Ponies
I could hardly believe my ears and eyes when I first discovered the craze
I observed it from afar and called it wrong in so many ways
After weathering storms of fan gush, I wondered how I’d recover from this
But it was only the beginning of a beautiful metamorphosis
My friends were telling me to swallow my pride, but I still believed they were wrong
I said that they should be taken away
But they reassured me that I’d be okay
‘Cause I’d have a whole new perspective someday
And they were right all along

I can’t remember when I last felt the way that I feel right now
Every time I see the show, it delivers my brain a KA-POW!
This was not supposed to happen; this is going against my plan
But a girly cartoon about ponies has made me a brand new man!

I could not comprehend my Brony friends and what they would watch on TV
I believed they would call me a fool with poor taste, but they never did that to me
Now I see all the crazy reasons for the peace I can see on each face
The show restores my faith in humanity, and it kicks my depression into space
In fact, I feel even more like a man in my heart and body and mind
I want the people at Netflix to know
That I forgive them for letting go
Of Fawlty Towers and The Cosby Show
I’m leaving my past behind

The demographic at which this show is aimed does not include me
But I don’t care what the haters say; the show always fills me with glee
The premiere truly surprised me, in a way that few things can
Still, a girly cartoon about ponies has made me a brand new man!

Fluttershy is sensitive and always seems to care
When there’s a need for someone strong, Applejack is there
Rarity’s a little vain but quick to sacrifice
Pinkie Pie knows how to party, and I think that’s nice
Rainbow Dash is greatest when it comes to bravery
I’ve noticed Twilight Sparkle is an awful lot like me
I’ve never been the same ever since I joined the herd
It’s never felt so good just to be a nerd

Sometimes a veil of sadness blots out my positivity’s glow
For someday an episode will air, and it will bring an end to the show
But we’ll keep on writing fanfics and producing pony art
The end of the show will not pull us apart
We will go to any lengths to keep the show alive
And make the world ready for Generation Five

I used to care about being cool, but now I’m a satisfied square
If any Pony events come to town, you’d better believe I’ll be there
I know that it’s rather risky; I may be disowned by my clan
Still, a girly cartoon about ponies has made me a brand new man!