1. |
Bad Decisions
03:59
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You said we should get lost driving, you insisted it would be great
We ran out of gas in the Mojave miles from the nearest interstate
You said we should do some sailing underneath a dark thunderhead
You said we should break into an old house; it was condemned because the paint had lead
CHORUS:
You say we should seize each moment, yet you fail to understand
That just because an idea is crazy does not automatically make it grand
I like to do things at random, but I cheat death having fun with you
You and your bad decisions make me question your IQ
You said we should whack a beehive; I still have scars best undiscussed
I knew from the beginning that skydiving down an elevator shaft would be a bust
You said let’s play real-life Mario Kart, which left us both black-and-blue
You even set me up with your Trekkie sister when you know that I like Doctor Who
CHORUS
What made me think you’d extinguish a match with some gasoline?
I’m starting to think you ain’t the brightest person that I have ever seen
You make Yogi Berra’s expressions sound like valid philosophies
So I’m going to escape this friendship, because I’m sick of all these injuries
CHORUS
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2. |
The Crazy Grand Dame
03:52
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There’s a social climber I know who takes every “no” for a “yes”
She’s the cheekiest snob in the world, overbearingly status obsessed
She has to be the centerpiece of every crowd
In everything she does, she’s flamboyant and loud
She has to do away with those who would bring her shame
Most everybody knows her as the crazy grand dame
CHORUS:
She may live like a middle-class woman, but that ain’t what she wants to be
She will not rest until she’s carried out her delusional fantasy
The crazy grand dame is determined to succeed
The crazy grand dame is an unrelenting weed
The crazy grand dame is the problem of the day
The crazy grand dame makes the people run away
She has an outfit for every daily activity, grand or plain
She uses fancy vocabulary to glamourize the mundane
She’s always seeking upper-crust elbows to rub
Forcing her way into each exclusive club
She spends her husband’s paycheck with no traces of care
That guy’s a big reminder of how life is not fair
CHORUS
She is so wrapped up in herself that she is unable to realize
That she is an excruciating pain in the hind that almost everyone can’t help but despise
Little does she know that others consider themselves better off without her
She is so vain she probably thinks this song is about her
(Well, in that respect, she’s right.)
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3. |
Stretchy Sumo Angel
03:25
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The big day has come, it’s time to enter the ring
And nobody here knows of the beatdowns I bring
Even when on opposing corners, I can still reach across
I may look like a total freak, but I can still show them who’s boss
CHORUS:
I am the stretchy sumo angel, and the fight will be mine
Equal parts elastic, pudgy, and divine
Stand back and cower
At my incredible power
Because I am the stretchy sumo angel
I wrap my opponents with just one arm in a grip
While I use the other to double as a whip
My wings work, but I am not the greatest flyer
It’s hard to stay off the ground with my spare tire
CHORUS
“I may look like the incarnation of a bunch of ridiculous gimmicks, but you better believe that I am a rubber-infused fat-loaded flying machine! I’ll take you down like nothing you’ve ever seen before. Seriously, there’s nothing else like me, so it’s technically impossible to be matched. But still, I am ready to stretch my torso out as much as necessary to fit that victory belt around my incredibly wide waist! No one can resist the preposterous power of the unreal mix-and-match Stretchy Sumo Angel!”
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4. |
Empty Netflix Queue
05:09
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Walked out to the mailbox, just wondering what’s inside
Another red envelope and my eyes are open wide
I tear off the perforation and have a look at the sleeve
I see some title that I find hard to believe
I wonder just how far this will go
This has happened several times in a row
I check the site and get quite a scare
My queue’s completely bare
There’s not one entry there
CHORUS A:
I volunteer to pay
They send a disc my way
Nothing here but garbage in view
The reason for this pile
Of movies cheap and vile
Is my empty Netflix queue
A Victorian duchess trains goats to make duvets
A hazmat team braves a town that has flatulence for haze
Who knows the fate of Big Ben when a cog comes unscrewed?
Two kids have to save a magic forest in the nude
Some gal’s new glasses show her the dead
A masseur survives a knife to the head
A hawk moth joins a kingdom of bees
What are these DVDs?
I never asked for these!
CHORUS A
I’ve been better entertained by watching paint dry
This world has certain filmmakers who should not even try
What I’ve seen recently is just too awful to forget
I wonder if Mike Nelson and his friends have seen this yet
This would not be an issue if the video store weren’t dead
I’d only have to give a care once in a while instead
But nowadays we all have lengthy queues we must maintain
For if we should neglect them, they shall cause us worlds of pain
The fact that films like these exist just tears me up inside
I could cut down my membership, but then I have my pride
Gotta hold a brainstorm, gotta think about the past
Gotta make a note of better films to be amassed
I can think of movies that made me happy as a kid
Maybe I memorized them but can’t remember if I did
There are timeless classics that don’t look all that fun
But I won’t know until I see at least one
CHORUS B:
It’s time to loosen up; the couch potato’s back
Time to get inactive, ‘cause I got pounds to pack
I wish I’d thought of this sooner, ‘cause it’s the perfect thing to do
I’m filling up my empty Netflix queue
Gonna clean up the sofa; it’s better to lounge than stand
Gonna make sure popcorn, soda, and candy are on hand
There’s no time to worry about my health on movie night
Don’t mind the muffin tops or cellulite
CHORUS B
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5. |
I Am
04:58
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I am a loving dog
Ever eager for playtime or to cuddle
I am a swamp-dwelling frog
With a bunch of stagnant water to muddle
I am a playful kangaroo
I am the friendly type of dragon
I am an undead cebú
I am a living station wagon
I am a squirrel with electrical powers that come in handy when my batteries are dead
I am a sea-dwelling humanoid with a bendy straw coming from my head
CHORUS:
I am a genius with my drawing pad
Switching forms always makes me glad
Check out the many different forms I’ve had
I am all of these, each in a different universe
An army of one, endlessly diverse
Whenever reality becomes a curse
I am a sea-dwelling fox
I am a hyperactive fairy
I am a creature made of rocks
Okay, I can be a little scary
I am a part of Avatar
By which I mean James Cameron’s Pandora
But I don’t stop at that far
I am also in the world of Aang and Korra
I am an omnivorous dinosaur who can be friendly if given the chance
I am something small and absurdly cute that will hypnotize you at the slightest glance
CHORUS
I come up with a fresh new look for almost every new flick or show
If no one else has tried it yet, I’ll be the first to give it a go
I don’t care if my friends call me nuts for being out of touch with reality
And double everything I already said when going by rule sixty-three
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6. |
Addicted To Oranges
03:28
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Oh snap, I’m late for work again
A project deadline is coming up fast
It seems the dog tore up the den
Atomic bombs have made smaller a blast
The evening news is after me to seal my doom
Because I absent-mindedly used the ladies’ room
I just noticed that my credit card has gone amiss
And yet all is well, for I have the fruit of bliss
CHORUS:
Segments of glory contained in a peel
Always improving the way that I feel
I’m stunned by this powerful orb in my hand
I’m addicted to oranges, and life is so grand
My favorite diner’s closing down
My high school bully knows where I reside
My daffodils are turning brown
I said I’d call up my mom, but I lied
I just tried to pass gas, but I think that I did more
I may have just forgotten what a stethoscope is for
The government is useless and the creeps are on the loose
But I shall make it better with delicious balls of juice
CHROUS
Let that noisy cat on the upper floor whinge
Forget about the rust jamming up my bedroom door hinge
All my cares will disappear as I eat an orange
(Glory hallelujah!)
(Groovy, gnarly, boo-yah!)
Sadly, it’s so hard to find the kind that has the seeds
I would plant them everywhere to fill the planet’s needs
If I swallow one, maybe it will germinate
Having oranges growing from my body would be great
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7. |
O Savannah
03:18
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Well, I drove here from Atlanta ‘cause I was feeling bored
I had this curious inkling that could not be ignored
Keeping conscious by cold Pepsi on Interstate Sixteen
To the East Coast of America, a grand historic scene
O Savannah, O Savannah
My first night out of town since that hotel in Indiana
O Savannah, O Savannah
I’ll bet you could inspire musicians like Carlos Santana
Oh, the river walk is pleasant, but not while in a car
What is that woman waving, and why is she a star?
How the riverboats look lovely, but how much is the fare?
There’s a bridge to South Carolina, but I’ve already been there
O Savannah, O Savannah
My first night out of town since that hotel in Indiana
O Savannah, O Savannah
It’s warm and humid in November like Louisiana
Have you noticed all the parks here? They’re everywhere I turn
These one-way streets that weave around them are so hard to learn
City parks make navigation a huge pain in the rump
But there is this one that has a bench on which sat Forrest Gump
O Savannah, O Savannah
My first night out of town since that hotel in Indiana
O Savannah, O Savannah
For flowers in your parks, you should consider the lantana
Now I’m off to Tybee Island, excitement has increased
I’ve never seen the ocean while my eyes are looking east
Going back to the motel now, and dinner would be great
I have not been to Denny’s since I left the Golden State
O Savannah, O Savannah
My first night out of town since that hotel in Indiana
O Savannah, O Savannah
You’re far too charming to gross out Rosanne Rosannadanna
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8. |
Habit
03:51
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It might seem crazy how it’s so obscure
Guess it lacks that major chain allure
It’s a phenomenon that befuddles me
It’s insane how a fast food chain can have this quality
(I love The Habit)
Fell in love with the food the first time I took a bite
Left my tongue catatonic and my stomach high as a kite
If I got fat on this, I probably wouldn’t care
‘Cause it feels like the world is peaceful when I am there
Here comes that big, curvy, yellow M
I don’t see why everyone loves them
Well, I ain’t gonna warn them I’ll be just fine
I have found a better place to dine
Here’s where
They may have fewer options, but they do what they do well
It’s the place I would choose if I had lunch with Pharrell
Flashing lights and vibrations tell me the food is here
Double char, fries, and soda always fill me with cheer
Come on down, eat somethin’
Come on down, just give it a try
Come on down, eat somethin’
Come on down, I said
Come on down, eat somethin’
Come on down, the ratings are high
Come on down, eat somethin’
Come on down, I said
Come along with me now, let’s get an unhealthy meal
If you think it’s fantasy, I’ll pinch you to prove it’s real
Sometimes I pinch myself ‘cause I think I’m in a dream
Suddenly I find it hard to miss the old Krispy Kreme
Let my weight reach new highs, let my blood pressure soar
I could be nearly dead and still I would ask for more
I am beginning to forget how I did without
Sadly, it mostly stays in the state that has In-N-Out
Come on down, eat somethin’
Come on down, be you lady or guy
Come on down, eat somethin’
Come on down, I said
Tell the folks at McDonald’s that I’m never comin’ back
I have found someplace new for my weekly heart attack
Come along to The Habit and see what your mouth can take
Finish off that cheeseburger and fries with a chocolate shake
Spread the word for the sake of those who have never known
We must tell everyone in each USA time zone
Let us forget about our waistlines and what we weigh
Time to wrap up this song, ‘cause I’m out of things to say
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9. |
Southern Summer Heat
03:04
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Another song of Georgia, and summertime is here
Aside from occasional thunderheads, the sky is blue and clear
I fill that popsicle mold with my own fruit-and-yogurt brew
Activity here would plummet if Willis Carrier hadn’t come through
If Mother Nature wants to tick me off, then her work is now complete
How I hate the southern summer heat
I keep hearing the Beach Boys when I turn the radio on
Ice cream is in the freezer, and the window curtains are drawn
I play a video game and go to the world with snow and ice
I know it’s just a placebo, but I still think it feels nice
The only blessing on my mind now is that the peaches are ready to eat
The one advantage to the southern summer heat
The air conditioner’s broken, and I can’t take it no more
If you need me, I’ll be lying naked on the bathroom floor
Maybe I should pack up for Portland or Tacoma
Where there’s no fear of sweat stroke or melanoma
There is a slight advantage to this humidity
The rain always makes the temperature drop, and that is fine by me
But sadly it pours all at once, and it’s gone as quick as it came
It doesn’t last throughout the day, and that’s a crying shame
It usually feels like I’m taking a nap on a sunny street
That’s every day in the southern summer heat
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10. |
Bring That Brony Back
04:21
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Do you remember when you first saw the show?
How it picked you up when you were feeling low
You didn’t care that you were told
That you’re a man and you’re too old
By other guys whose minds we had yet to blow
But something went amiss along the way
Suddenly this work of art became passé
You used to think the ponies rule
But in a flash it wasn’t cool
And now you want to keep the Bronies at bay
CHORUS A:
You got your questions and they all must be answered
Come help us tear down a double standard
If it’s positivity you want but you lack
Come on and bring that Brony back
This fandom was once the place to be
Where men can still retain their masculinity
Sure, there’s an episode or two
That left the viewers feeling blue
But that don’t make the show any worse to me
It don’t matter which character you prefer
Just pick your favorite and stick with her
No reason can be based
To call you a fool with poor taste
Whether she’s white, pink, yellow, cyan, orange, or lavender
CHORUS A
CHORUS B:
Watching this girl show makes us men effervescent
We can’t get this from an antidepressant
Put your mind at ease and give the tension some slack
Come on and bring that Brony back
Cartoons are no longer stuck on Saturday
It does more good than prescription Depress-Away
Watch it on your desktop or on TV
And you won’t think that Bronies sometimes behave so strangely
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11. |
Returning To The Falls
04:17
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Oh, what a summer of mystery it was
Stuck in an Oregon town that has no buzz
Mom and Dad told us to gather our things and pack
For family time in a place called the Mystery Shack
The weirdness began when I found the mysterious book
My sister got her hands on a grappling hook
In a flash we were dealing with gnomes and manotaurs
On to video games and even dinosaurs
CHORUS:
I wish I could name a time I found any better than
That strange and magical summer that we spent with Grunkle Stan
But the season finished fast, we go where the future calls
But in days to come we’ll find ourselves returning to the Falls
Mabel and Gideon were an ugly match
Turned out he was a not-so-chivalrous catch
Wendy was great, but we weren’t meant to be
In her own words she was too old for me
Light through the crystals makes things small or big
Mabel had always wanted her very own pig
Soos likes to crank out fun from the mundane
Blendin’s voice makes eardrums scream in pain
CHORUS
Robbie ain’t such an awful guy
There’s more to Pacifica than meets the eye
I made a connection with the Multibear
Countless friends and memories we both made out there
I am pining for those days; they truly were the bomb
‘Til we got back on the bus, returning home to Dad and Mom
Those days went by so quick, and now it seems time crawls
But we pinkie-swear that someday we’re returning to the Falls
The majestic pines above, the creepy bunker below
We will reconnect with all those crazy creatures that we know
From elusive unicorns to those who control the balls
We will find them all again upon returning to the Falls
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12. |
Omnivore
04:39
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No color and no power upon my big premiere
And then within an hour I have kicked the penguin’s rear
Now I’m overinflated, spreading food across the land
This game was soon outdated, and too many found it bland
But I was a sensation when I got colored pink
And foe assimilation took my style beyond the brink
The concept was presented, and now it is my core
Forever I’m cemented as an omnivore
I proved that I am what I eat
And the concept is really quite neat
As my journey still extends on a path that seldom bends
It’s nice to share the journey with one of my new friends
An owl, a fish, a hamster if you wish
A parrot and a cat and some kind of seafood dish
With them each chore gets more done than before
No mess and no stress with the omnivore
I remember this one time when the powers I got were a blast
I could briefly combine two at once, but the concept was too good to last
But since those days, each power that I get gives me a new style
They also have multiple functions, and that makes all the players smile
And ever since I got like that
The UFO seems so bland and flat
Never before has my lunch
Been so quick to help pack a punch
It’s easy to remember names of places in the land where I live
And it’s mostly because a lot of them are so cute and alliterative
Dream Land is all about cuteness, and we’re all gonna stick to that plan
At least so it seems in Japan
But underneath the stripes and stars
I hang around in sports bars
I’m a macho fighter with stubble and battle scars
My favorite automobile
Is a motorcycle with one wheel
I got purpose in my eyes and nerves of steel
I fix my own hog and my GPS is all in my brain
I’m all about guns and grills and power tools, and I know how to dish out the pain
Wait, that reminds me, I’m still on the chase
To find something evil and mess up its face
All this calamity eats up my sanity
I’ll bet the final boss would even club a manatee
I still have extra lives just in case I should make a mistake
But if ever your energy dives, then you should take a break
It’s easy to lose track of time while playing my classic hits
But moderation is the key to keep your brains from turning to grits
The distance takes time to cross, but the time ain’t worth the loss
From the flowery hills to that scary final boss
Until now this adventure has been cheery and saccharine
Now I’m facing an abomination, sharp claws, glowing eyes, evil grin
It looks like the stuff from my nightmares, but I still have to give it my best
My games are never all that hard, so if I lose, folks will be unimpressed
I got skills and power to show
And I haven’t much further to go
See the grin become a frown
With its HP running down
As I give it the final blow
From multiple angles! Wham! Bam! Pow! Kaboooooooooooooom!
And so I saved the day, now Popstar is okay
And all the civil residents see me and shout “Hooray!”
We romp and play once more, which never is a bore
And there’s no higher score for the omnivore
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13. |
When I’m Dead, Part 3
06:50
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I ain’t getting younger, but I still want to dance
When listening to current tunes
I will still eat cereal that’s on the sweet side
While I watch Saturday cartoons
Yes, I’m a grown man, but why should I care?
Should I be all depressed instead?
I live only once, and I want to enjoy it
But I’ll slow down when I’m dead
I don’t care what’s hip now; I like what I like
It’s in the posters on my wall
You may like the day spa, but I’ll take the arcade
After running laps around the mall
I like to observe obscure holidays
The big ones are a pain in the head
I believe in fun and staying active
But I’ll chill out when I’m dead
I’ll drink my weight in soda pop and ride out the buzz
I’ll skip along the riverside just like a child does
And when cabin fever knocks at my gate
I’ll pack my car and wander on the interstate
So I refuse to wait for happiness to arrive
I’ll make it up as I go
I’ll just run around and make a fool of myself
If I desire to do so
I don’t care if I end up underground
Or where my ashes are spread
I’ll have all the time to put my feet up
And take it slow when I’m dead
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